Posted in Love Notes

love note #9: I miss u..

As we walked towards my PG…i said… “why are u walking so fast…” “…..please walk slow…i don’t want this to end……………”

I had started wondering what i would tell him before he leaves…will i be able to hold my tears back…will i feel anything ever ? or will I be just lost in the screeching loneliness he will leave me with…will we shake hands ?…will  i be able to hold his hand…since today evening i wanted that…to hold his hand…and in these two days…we walked together…we hadn’t once held hands… that just doesn’t happen between best friends u see 😉 Not even while we crossed roads or even when at a time my sandal broke off and i was balancing myself on one leg….nah we didn’t hold hands…but we held on to each other somewhere…somewhere deep….n by this time i knew already…i knew since i told him “i think i know what i want” …since we sat side by side in the temple this evening…i knew and there were no questions anymore…just a wait….a wait for him…because i knew i won’t tell him ever unless somehow he tells me….and there…i started wondering how i always wished for the best girl for him…teased him about so many girls…about even a fictional  “Subbalaxmi” 🙂 We had always told each other…i will choose the best boy/girl for u…u will see.. 🙂 🙂

And now…i knew…for me it is him…the best boy for me…can only be he…only n only he…all i wanted now is to spend every moment of my life like this…walking with him…by his side…thats all i ever wanted n now i knew that…n strangely how easily i had accepted that…how easily it had sneaked into my heart…how gently he had reached within me…to remain forever…

And now i had left everything to whatever and however things turn out…i didn’t expect him to feel the same way for me…but i had already set my life on that…its now all upto him…what he does…what he feels…because i won’t tell him i know…

Even our slow steps finally made us reach the PG.I went in to bring back his bag-pack and a bottle of water for him.As i handed him the bottle, i clutched onto his bag unaware…we stood there silent for sometime as he drank some water.My friend came right then with her aunt…i saw her but don’t even remember to be smiling at her .. [ maybe she can say that better ]..she had come to pick her things as she was gonna stay at her aunt’s place the next day..

…the silence continued…there seemed to be no words…no need of those…i was now clutching his bag n the bottle as he stood there in front of me…

Then…he said “All the best ” and held out his hand to shake mine.I let my hand slip into his…a gentle grip..[ which felt more than a best friend’s but less than a boyfriend’s 😉 ] but it was warm n firm enough to convey his next words .. “Take Care” .With the same words from me…i handed him his bag-pack…and he nodded…and turned…and walked away…

He was walking away quite quickly…i felt strange…i stepped to get back in my PG..but retreated my steps back again in position so that i could see him till i could…it was a long lane…he was walking very fast…like he will turn round the corner without any slightest recess..i didn’t know whether he knows i am still looking at him…i didn’t know whether he wants me to be looking at him…i didn’t know whether he will turn back to see me one last time…but i knew that i wanted to see him as long i could..that i wanted to be there for him as long as i can…

The corner of the street was a couple of steps away and he hadn’t yet turned back to see me once…all noise all surrounding motions blurred into hazy silence…only the moment stood still…with my each heartbeat…with his each step ahead…and then in a flash…he turned to look back at me…just as he disappeared round the corner…

[ It was so quick and without my glasses 😉 i actually found myself wondering for a moment..did he actually turn or i just imagined it that hard 😉 ]

I entered my room…sat down listlessly…a while…with a thought tugging at my heart…what if he would have come back and standing outside…it was just…i just rushed out…to see the empty street and the loneliness. Coming back to my room…i gathered my stuff and went for a shower…

And my phone rang !!! OMG my phone rang…me in the shower…and i knew it must be him ! Without any other thought i just wrapped myself up in a towel just when a  friend handed over the phone to me through the crack of the door. It was him ! All drenched and dripping, i stood there still as a stone.. as i heard him say.. “I have reached the station, didn’t manage to get a ticket but there’s a train at 22:00 hrs….silence…….

..and then.. “I don’t know what’s happening but this has never happened to me before…my eyes are wet…i am missing u badly…..”

I couldn’t utter a word…just managed a ‘hun’ holding back my tears…he hung up.

I came out of the shower…dabbing myself to dry me off…but how do i dry those eyes now… which had started overflowing beyond my control…not listening to me….they were just set free and flowing.I wasn’t crying with pain…I wasn’t sad…but I wasn’t…i wasn’t me…i wasn’t complete anymore….

They continued as i sat myself to dinner… “Biryani” his favourite !….and more of them ensued further…took one morsel in…trying my best not to wet the food.The maid standing before me…seemed to be the only one knowing me that moment when she said… “it happens when someone from home comes to meet u after so many days and from so far…” [She had not been at “discussing” terms with anyone in the PG…but her words that night…  i can never forget…]I could not make myself eat any further no matter how much i struggled.I never leave served food that way…but that night i was just beyond ‘being me’..

I went into my room and locked the door  and just let myself be me..let my heart be…my tears be…my being incomplete be…my struggle be…..

He called… “The train was packed beyond capacity…am waiting for the next train..”

Me: [not letting him know my state] “Why don’t u stay back tonight…u know the hotel and tomorrow is a holiday for me too” [ next day was our Independence day-15th August 🙂 ]

He: “nah..the hotel was very nasty ! There was a terrorist raid last night ..the police is checking all these hotels near to the station and it was quite inconvenient and uncomfortable.” “That’s why i rushed out of it at the earliest, today morning ” [ WHAT !!!!!! ]

Me: “U didn’t face any problem na”

He : “No..just had to show my ID proof etc.It seemed to be a routine check before the Independence day.OK the train has come..let me see if i get a seat”

me : “Ok.Take care.”

I sat silent…amazed at this boy…

He called again just to say he got a seat and we hung up asking each other to take care…

Then it was me…the empty room…my tears…and the flashes….

I shut off the light…laid down on my bed…and let my heart ‘tear’…….let my heart wait…let my heart miss him..horribly…let my heart cry…let those flashes of these two days ‘flash’ incessantly…let myself be…with him….let me be in love with him…

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7 thoughts on “love note #9: I miss u..

  1. I can of know what you are feeling now. 8 years ago, I kind of cried when my wife left for a family trip. We were just new in the country, all homesick. We just got married too so I’m having all these mix emotions. But when you care and miss someone, then you know you truly care and that is such a wonderful feeling to have. To cry makes you feel human, it satisfy your soul , makes you feel alive. You are not alone. I’m sure he misses you too.

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    1. Oh how sweet of u to share ur moments with us..Thank u so much ! and u r absolutely right..missing then realising how much u care for hm/her makes us know love is a blessing ! and yes he did miss me lots that day…Aug 14th 2005 … 🙂
      Felt really good to hear about u and ur wife..of ur eternal love 🙂
      Thanks so much for ur comforting thoughts.Wishing u both and ur son every happiness always ! God Bless.Cheers !

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  2. Awww Frida that’s the highest appreciation !!

    It was so difficult putting in words for those moments..feeling the same fervor all over again.and my heart just melted away when i saw hubby’s wet eyes last night after reading this…

    Thank u so much Frida…to be a part of this now 🙂
    Have a great day ahead !!!

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  3. Got a little late in reading this one, and how I wish I hadn’t. This one reminded me of the first ‘seperation’ with my boyfriend after I realised I was madly in love with me. Oh how I can relate to you right now.
    And this post made my eyes wet too, thinking of you and thinking of my own experience. But as he tells me now, this going away from each other is what made him realise that he did indeed love me, and it’s the same for me, and you too, as it seems.

    Take care. And now that he is not walking away on any long lane, hold on to him tightly anyway, hope u had a great weekend.

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    1. Hey was waiting to hear from u 🙂 Yea its the first and ‘blessedly’ last ‘walking away’ that brings about the wonderful realisation of ‘LOVE’ 🙂

      So nice to know of ur story too as our’s unveils itself..
      seems Love has atleast some lovely common ways about it 😉

      And don’t worry I’m not letting my life go anywhere without me 🙂

      And Jo there’s something very special coming up…in the next post ! 🙂

      Hope u had a great weekend too..with ur boyfriend 🙂
      Take good care.Love to ur sis 🙂

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