As the day prepared itself for a rest,dawning a wonderful moonlit evening..everything around us seemed quite usual..shops closing, street lights turned on, people winding up their activities..everything was normal except me (us I guess). Any other day it would have been the same with me too but today it was not.As we walked back towards her PG, my mind was filled with so many questions so many thoughts and my heart overwhelming.
Last few months have been really wonderful with the transition from occasional to regular calls, “hi bye” friends to best of buddies, exchanging general info to sharing everything..and all this had been going on so naturally that it never occurred where our relationship was heading for. In fact I always revered her as a person I knew, back from 5th grade. Her silent nature, extraordinary perfection to top the class in each n every exam, her easily approachable and kind nature, and a special aura she bore around her which always made me wait in the school bus line somewhere near to her, and to bid her “bye bye” before we left for the day 🙂
All these thoughts had been doing rounds in my brain while we headed towards her PG which made me walk my natural pace (which is always zippy and quite brisk) when suddenly I heard her saying “why are u walking so fast..please walk slow…i don’t want this to end..” and was brought back to the present.
These 2 days had been wonderful. I never knew why I travelled all the way from my hometown just to meet her (the most craziest thing I ever did, may be the best thing I ever did 🙂 ). We hardly spoke, communicated anything,as i am usually..just being together made me feel so good so comfortable. My heart was so very happy and at peace and suddenly now it had become all so restless..there was not a single word to utter as i was having a serious conflict between my mind n heart. I was not sure, or may be i was, but was not ready to accept it somehow at that point of time but being with her was the only thing my heart craved for. I told her..”i dont know but all i want is to be with u”. What a crackpot I was, I told her what I wanted but still didn’t realize it all yet 🙂
We came to a halt as we reached her PG, she got my backpack and a bottle of water. I drank some and then held out my hand to shake hers (and that again was not usual because with girls i am never the first to raise my hand for a shake hand).That was the second time our hands clasped (first one being long long ago in our school days when we used to make long tunnels in sand at our school playground during games period :)). This time it was different, and I just wanted the moment to freeze with her hand in mine. It was kind of everything communicated with that clasp – that i am with you, for you forever. I told her to take care and she wished me the same.I could sense from her eyes, she was not herself anymore, her face had turned grim and the way she was looking at me, oh my god, i could never leave her not for this moment not forever!!
It was tough, my heartbeat racing i didn’t know what else to tell, i just took my backpack, turned back and started walking. As I walked I was wondering whether she was still there looking at me, I was more than overwhelmed, my mind and heart continued their stir and i didn’t dare to turn around. I guess that would have made things worse at that point of time because of the state in which we both were. With every step I tried my best not to look at her (if she was still standing),though my heart was craving to take a back step, to go back to her again; again n again. I tried walking faster and faster as I reached the end of the road, and was about to make my turn at the corner,when my heart took over my mind and i turned around just to have one last glimpse of her before leaving. There she was still standing, looking at me, it was such an assuring gesture, that she was there for me. But quickly i lost sight of her..everything faded in the darkness as I moved ahead.
I took a taxi to the station. The taxi driver turned out to be quite talkative and started talking about everything he knew. I was kind of already lost in the vastness of the loneliness that has gripped me. I passed by the same roads that we had done in the last two days, with her by my side in the taxi,and now I was looking for her.. i placed my hand next to where i was sitting just to feel the moment of our togetherness, to feel her presence by my side, i was already missing her so badly, very badly.It was quite unusual for me. We had been best of buddies since some time now and after these two days things have turned to something very very unusual, why am i feeling this way, why is my heart craving for her so badly, why am i missing her the way i never did earlier?? All these questions added to my already existing void that had surrounded me.
As I reached the station, it was already very crowded, I couldn’t get a ticket for the train I was planning to catch but managed to get one scheduled for 22:00 hrs. Inspite of those screams and shouts and chatter-batter around me, the feeling of loneliness that had already surrounded me, obscured me from everything, With great courage I called her back informing that I had reached station and may try to board the train at 22:00 hrs. But my voice already started choking as i spoke to her and eyes wet; I just managed to utter “I don’t know what’s happening but this has never happened to me before…my eyes are wet…and i am missing u badly….” and hung up before my cheeks went wet. I wandered across the station just remembering the events of the day before..when I had reached early and was waiting for her to receive me. And how my face had glowed up at the first glance of hers. I just could not take my mind off all these thoughts and sweet memories of our togetherness.
It was an unusual rush for the train I was about to catch and I called her up and told her that I might catch the next train that’s arriving as the earlier train was completely packed. She asked me to stay back but I couldn’t, I knew it would be tough, for both of us. I told her that the hotel was very bad (infact it was) and that it would be very difficult to get a room today. I hung up as I saw the train approaching the platform.With much of pull and push i managed to accommodate myself at one seat. I called her up again and told her that I got a seat and hung up saying take care and good night.
It was a 6hr journey ahead and with my state of mind, it seemed to be much more longer. After a while, i managed to take out my pencil and writing pad and sketched a boy n a girl sitting on a bench. With so many people around me, i tried my best to hold back my tears which were ready to flow down, my heart heavy, still restless, and nothing to comfort.I just sat back looking at the endless darkness out of the window and let myself slip into the ceaseless flashes of these 2 days, to feel our bond, to feel our togetherness, to feel this strange feeling which I had not yet named “love”…