I woke up pretty late..still feeling tired from the last nights journey….
All the flashes of the last two days coming in again n again..it made me even more restless.After finishing my daily ablutions I rushed to the phone booth to call her up..today the conversation was very odd..I didn’t know what to talk, what all to say, there was so much in my heart to spill out..or may be something very little and straightforward.I hung up soon telling her I’ll callback in the evening.I called up two of my good friends to tell my state of mind..rather than giving me a straight answer, they left me with more questions to ponder all by myself..
I went straight to a net cafe to mail her..That was always the best way of communication between us, it still is.. for things which I can’t speak directly to her, I always drop a mail, or we sit for a chat. I knew she won’t be checking her mail that day since it was a holiday, but I had to let out things that were going inside me..and there was this only one person to whom i can speak out..she ! By that time she had become my best’st buddy with whom I shared everything almost everyday !!!
But as I started writing down, I couldn’t get any words to express my state..it was quite strange..but finally i managed to put up a few lines and a lot of miss uu’s 🙂 Anyone looking at that mail can easily tell what was going on in my mind but u see I was kind of unique or odd .. i was still holding it back within me..
[Today when I looked at that mail, i thought what a dumb I was back then 🙂 ]
I didn’t understand what kind of impression had got imprinted into my heart in those two days..that when i walked back home from cafe, i was trying to find her by my side, walking alone was no more an option.The loneliness of being all alone was eating me up from within..i wanted to be with her..i wanted her to be by my side.I felt as if the whole sky was falling on me.That day was frankly “Unbearable”….
I thought the whole day about her..about us..may be I already knew what I wanted but I was kind of afraid that any move by me, unexpected from her side may get in between our beautiful friendship which I wanted to go on for eternity.. because I liked it.. i liked the way we were..we spoke..we shared.. we teased..we scolded..n sometimes flirted.. 🙂 it was all so beautiful and i was just worried that i don’t spoil it..I told her the same that evening when I called her up again..but she assured me that nothing can affect the way we are.. I hung up the phone telling her that I will call her the next day..may be i will tell her whats going on in my mind n heart.. what’s making me so restless.. i told her i will speak out everything tomorrow..
That night I decided that I am going to tell her what I am feeling..why i am so restless.. and what i have been thinking..may be there was not so much to speak..may be there was a line or two which i wanted to tell her.. which may take our relationship to a new beginning or definitely going to put some sort of speedbreaker ! But by then I had already made up my mind..come what may..I am going to speak out everything to her..yes..I am going to say it to her !!
But what?? what exactly am i going to tell her?? how am i going to tell her??
Puzzled and confused with these sudden new questions..I started my preparation..My mind at work to put in the exact words I wanted to tell her.Yes, indeed I needed a good preparation..what if I go mum when the time comes.. what if I back out or postpone it to some other day.. I didn’t want any such thing to happen.. because I have to put my restive mind n heart to rest at the earliest !! 🙂 and for this it needed a solid preparation. 😉
The next day I knew she would be in her lab all the morning.. evening is the time when I can speak to her freely.. I had time till evening..Lots of phrases started popping in my mind.Oh this one..neh its common.. may be that one.. ney it’s a movie dialogue..i need to speak something original..a masterpiece line which would change her heart even if she was not feeling the way I am doing.. which would take our bond to the next level..I worked from dawn to dusk to phrase it all.. and then practice it again and again..with all the pauses..wherever needed..and puffing myself up from time to time (I am usually not good on stage, so was a little worried 😐 )
As the clock ticked indicating its time for the D-Moment :), I prepared myself for one last time and left for the phone booth..As I walked towards it I knew it was a Yes or No situation..things may not be the same the next day as they were today.. everything’s going to change..it might be on either side.. this way or that way.. but I have to do it what i have been thinking of…I have to tell her.. there aren’t any more inhibitions within me..because I already knew what I wanted..what feelings I have for her..that I want her with me for me forever.. and this day i have to speak out my heart to her.Last few months were wonderful..last two days were unimaginable..and I knew it so clearly that with her I feel at peace, at ease and happy..and i hoped she felt the same..
I walked into the booth..My hands sweating.. I prayed to HIM and dialed her number..my heartbeat racing..probably twice its rate 😉 And it kind of stopped instantly when I heard on the other side.. “Haan”..